The Paradox of Progress: Why Your Goals Might Be Making You Miserable

Hi there,

This is my last week in Mongolia.

We left the U.S. back in May to spend time with family, a much-needed reset before another big move. You’d think that after the eighth or ninth relocation, packing up and starting fresh would get easier. But it never does.

There’s a strange paradox that comes with growth: the higher you climb, the heavier life feels.

Back then, I was the guy traveling with just a backpack, a hammock, and no real stakes. Now, I’m a husband and father. Adventure still calls, but so does stability.

And that’s what mid-career often feels like too. You can be incredibly successful on paper yet feel stuck, depleted, or even quietly hollow.

You might be a recovering outcome addict, constantly chasing the next milestone, the next client, the next “perfect” balance, while secretly disliking the path you’re on.

We were trained this way. School rewarded us for the grade, not the learning. Society praises results, not process. And so we fixate on the gold star, thinking it’s the key to happiness.

But here’s the paradox: the harder you grip the goal, the more miserable you become.

Because what we resist, persists. The more we obsess over controlling an outcome, the more we lose the joy in the process that could actually lead us there.

The Trap of the Goal-First Mindset

Naval Ravikant once said, “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.”

That’s what the goals-first mindset does, it postpones happiness until the next milestone.

Last week, I had eight coaching sessions. Six of them revolved around the same topic: control.

We forget that most goals depend on things outside of us. The market, our boss, our team, timing, luck…

You can’t control if your paper gets an “A”. You can only control how well you prepare.

You can’t control if your business hits seven figures. You can control how consistently you refine your systems.

Teddy Roosevelt once warned that focusing on the prize instead of the process could “kill his nerve”.

The moment the goal becomes the obsession, we lose the courage, energy, and joy that got us started in the first place.

A Lesson in Emptiness

Yesterday, as we celebrated Enkhi’s grandma’s birthday, she asked me in Mongolian, “What do you know about emptiness?”

It was a hard concept to discuss, let alone translate, but it struck me deeply.
Emptiness, in Buddhism, means that nothing exists on its own. Not people, not thoughts, not even success. Everything is interconnected, relative, and dynamic.

The practical purpose of understanding emptiness is freedom from suffering, especially the suffering that comes from clinging: to possessions, identities, goals, or outcomes.

That’s the paradox.
To truly progress, we must let go.

The System That Saves You

If you want to achieve your goals, forget about them.
Focus on the system that gets you there.

1. Behaviors Are Your Building Blocks
You can’t control outcomes, but you can control behaviors.

• Want to write a book? → Write one page a day.

• Want to get fit? → Move your body three times a week.

Every time you follow your system, you win, regardless of the result.

2. Focus on Becoming, Not Achieving
Goals change results once. Systems change who you are forever.

• Completing an MBA gives you a diploma.

• Becoming a lifelong learner gives you freedom.

3. Align the Process with Your Values
Anchor your system in your values, like growth, curiosity, and service.
Even if the promotion doesn’t come, you’ll find fulfillment by living in alignment.

True long-term thinking isn’t about goals. It’s about refinement and consistency.

A question to ask yourself:

What kind of process will increase the chances of achieving the results I want?

Then, obsessively focus on perfecting that process and forget the rest.

Goals give direction.
Systems create progress.

As the Bhagavad Gita reminds us: You have a right to your labor, but not to the fruits of your labor.

Let that sink in for a moment…

Falling in Love with the Process

As we start packing this week, a familiar set of questions creeps in.

Should I continue this path?
Should I change?
What’s the right answer?

Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe the point isn’t about getting it right. It’s about showing up daily with intention.

If you want to stop living in the past or worrying about the future, fall in love with your process.

That’s where clarity lives. That’s where peace lives.
And that’s something we can do together.

Keep Growing,
Your friend and coach,
Carlos